psawat4eva

Basically I haven't been in a good mood for a couple of weeks. I've lost my appetite, I'm kind of retreating from life, and, for sure, defenseless.
Maybe some times I am happy, but it's just for a short time. When I am alone and/or lonely (you know, you can be lonely even though you are not really alone), have not much things to do, then that feeling strikes back.

I am trying to be a physician for myself, so far it's not really working. I usually get a little bit well after spending some money (weird, I know). So today I went to the convenience store and bought several stuffs. I didn't work. One of the stuffs I bought was ice cream, which I thought can relieve a little bit of my problem. I didn't work. I thought maybe I was homesick. I listened to Indonesian songs, saw some photos, talked with my sister. It did cure me. For a little while. Then I'm back. I thought I miss Ms. A. I texted her, saw several of our pictures, watched some videos with her in it. Didn't work. I thought I miss doing some photo hunting moments. I did go around The Union and took some pictures + videos. Didn't work either. Randomly, I took a walk and enjoyed the sun + warmness of this day. Didn't work. Saw some vortices (I miss my airplane, perhaps). Didn't work. Another possibility: missing my friends. I chatted and texted some friends. Didn't work either. Tried to do my work, didn't work. At some other point, I thought I was approaching death. I can't prove anything about this, but I don't even know what is the feeling of death, how would this be the feeling of nearing the end?

So far, I am still searching what is really happening. Just trying to find out am I sick or something.

 I had some time to be killed, and was not in the mood of wandering around Facebook. After putting my dishes on the dish washer racks, I let my feet carried me to see several of my friends who were having lunch together while chit-chatting. I grabbed a chair and join them, without knowing of what was about to happen.

It was all started by the rejection of on campus housing applications of my friends. They intended to live in the residence hall for next school year, but apparently the number of incoming freshmen (who are required to live on campus) is tremendously high. In other word, they are forced to find off campus apartments to live, or build a tent on the Drill Field and charge people $5 for sitting around the campfire. Well, the topic started to change to the cost and payment of those apartment rents.

For your information, I was kinda in good mood this morning. I was smiling in my mind the whole first half my day (you know, the feel when you feel your heart grows some flowers), and at one point, the things they talked really shut my heart’s smile. “Oh my God,” that’s what I keep saying over and over again in my mind.

One of my friends told us that he has loans on Stafford and another private company. To be honest, I knew that Stafford gives a lot of student loans (I had to find the statistic of this for my argument paper, so I basically know that they lend a lot of money), but I didn’t know that one of my friends is the borrower. Well, in Indonesia student loan is not common, at least for me. So the conversation flowed, and I realized that they have soooo many things to think about. Starting from finding apartments. One of my friends even have some deeper questions; how to pay the loan, what is his plan about paying off the loan, that he has to find a summer job, and everything else that I can’t even think about. All these led me to a deeper thought, what a horrible person I am.

Yes, I literally spend a loooooot of my time grumbling and complaining about my life. That I am stuck here, that I don’t have a car, that I’m not in a high class university (like Stanford and friends), that I don’t have a guitar, that my roommate is suck (he is, actually), that I don’t have fancy trench coats, that my dad doesn’t drive BMW and my mom doesn’t drive Lexus and I don’t drive Mercedes-Benz R-class, that I’m flying in economy class, that I can’t buy Starbucks everyday, that I can’t have an apartment all by myself, that I am not tall, that I made 97 on calculus and 84 on physics, that I don’t have a girl, that my GPA is not 4.00, that I don’t have full scholarship, and sooooo many more things.

Meanwhile, I don’t have to think about finding an apartment; my friends have been really kind and invited me to live with them. I don’t have to think about paying off the loans; my parents have allocated some money for my expenses until I graduate and I don't have to find a way to gain some money. If I bear all the things my friends have to think, I might kill myself. I really can’t stand such a pressure in mind. Oh my God. What a horrible person I am. I have sooo much to be thankful for, but, on the other hand I spend more time complaining than thanking God.

Thank you so much friends, for reminding me. Thank you so much life, that you've been really nice. Thank you so much my parents, that I don’t have to worry about financial stuffs. And the biggest thank to God, for making all of these happening. Life is indeed complicated, but that is life. Let’s stop complaining, let’s start running our lives.


p.s. I still want the Mercedes-Benz R-class, though

Valentine day is tomorrow! Well, today technically 'cause it's 12 now. So,what will you do to(day/morrow)? Well I guess I got some clue. Bang Bay will be sleeping, while Fani says valentine is not really affecting Indonesia, so I guess I'm not the [l]on[e]ly one who don't share the moment with some kind of "partner".

So, what valentine really means to me is: CHOCOLATE!

I seriously can't resist for not buying all these beautiful chocolates, hahaha. But I can hold my self though, I didn't buy too much chocolate. I just have 8 packs of KitKat, two tubes of Meiji Yan-Yan, one stick of chocolate ice cream, two slices of New York Cheesecake (wait, this is not chocolate), some sachets of chocolate milks (this shouldn't be counted either), and a cup of ice cream!

Despite of all these jaw-dropping mouthwatering chocolate, I really do celebrate valentine,
with,
myself.

Yes!

I wrote a message behind on KitKat wrapping:


and wrote a message under my calculus/aerospace scratch paper:


and I even have a theme song for this moment:
.
The scenes between 2.36 and 2.54 really represent me!
Huahahaha!


Any thought?
Pathetic? Ridiculous?

Well, let me explain in the serious way: I just want to really "embrace" myself at this moment.
Try to trust myself, believe in myself, being truthful to myself, know myself, understand myself, love myself.
I just want to be grateful of what I am, build my personality, improve my performance, but only in the way I want to.
Yes, in the way I want to, not what people want.

So, not having a partner doesn't mean I can't celebrate the day.
We can use it even for a more constructive things.

Buy yourself a chocolate, a bigger one is preferable, give a thought on every bite, and be your valentine.
Some extra chunks of chocolate might be needed to let you love yourself; it always takes some times to love something/one,
it could even takes more time to love ourselves.

So don't cry, "cause I'm amazing just the way I am." 
;)

 So today I planned to make a video of the clock tower in front of the Union. It usually plays the MSU fight song at 5pm, but apparently it didn't today. LOL.

 Have you ever heard something called silly ambition? I bet you haven't. I made this term, hahaha.

So what I mean by silly ambition is, a thing that you want to do/ have if you achieved something. It is not kind of a big thing, it is not even important, but you really want it and it kind of cheers you up and keeps your spirit high. That's why I call it silly ambition. Throughout my life until I post this, I think I have two silly ambitions.

My first silly ambition was when I wanted to be one of the 35 finalists of Chevron Scholastic Award. So, one night when my family and the tenth grader me were in Jakarta, we went shopping to the department store next door the hotel we stayed in. Accidentally we walked by the male suit section and those pricey suits really caught my eyes. I was drooling. I wanted a pair of suit! And I told my parents, and they asked what I am going to do with the suit. I didn't even need it, but somehow I really wanted it. So I just said, "The scholastic finalists wear suits in the awarding night!" So my parents said, "You're not even the finalist yet, and it's still two years from now." So I just make a deal, "So if I got into the final, you will buy me a pair of these suits!" and my parents accepted my deal. Even though my biggest ambition of Scholastic is going to America, but this suit also kind of calling me, "Wawan, don't you want me? Then get the scholastic!" And I eventually made into the final. Although I didn't buy the suits I found in Jakarta two years earlier, but I still get my parents bought me a pair of suit!

Another silly ambition I made is (yes, I haven't bought it yet) a trench/over coat! I made this ambition to keeps me up with my plan of studying abroad, particularly America. Lived in the tropical country, makes me did not have a wide range of fashion selection. The only seasons we have in Indonesia are dry and rainy season. With those season, you can't wear a thickish heavy trench coat unless you want to loose your weight (by burning your fats inside your hot coat). And it will be such a waste if you bought that and never wear it. So I really wanted to go to a four-seasons country, like US, so have a reason to buy and wear a coat! I know, it's kinda silly. But again, I eventually made it to the US! Hahaha. I haven't bought one, though. But I bought a jacket which slightly looks like a trench coat, and I love it. I don't know why, but in my mind it's kinda classy to wear it. LOL.

So, if you have a goal and you need something to boost up your mood, maybe you should make a silly ambition like I did.
Good luck for everything ;)

I am still shaking! I am so happy!

 I have been dreaming of my high school friends in the last like two or three nights. What does it mean?

----------

Anyway, talking about dreams, I have just re-read all my post in my old friendster blog. Just realized, two posts were talking about America. Yes, I was so ambitious to go back to the country named United States of America. And the fact is, here I am. I am in that country! US! States!

So don't be keep dreaming guys! But dream of somethings, then work hard on it!

 Today I am moving to U.S.

Good bye my room,
Good bye Kerinci 50,
Good bye Duri,
Good bye Riau,
Good bye Indonesia..
I'll miss you so...

I am just freakingly love this song. Some other version that I like.

Acoustic Version by Boyce Avenue


Piano Version


And violin version

I really hope I can perform any of the above

I was waiting for my turn to visit the doctor. Then one of the nurse told me that my schedule has been changed to this Monday, but she needed to confirm it first. So I involved in a chat with two young workers there. They got pretty astonished when I said that I am taking Aerospace Engineering in Mississippi State University. Then I was busy with my iPhone while continued listening to their chat. One of them said, "I have a relative who took aerospace, and when he returned to Indonesia he works for Nike." I was like, GOSH! Hope this won't happen to me. Amin.